Dear Karma,
Yesterday, I didn’t feel very good. I was up late and only got about 2 hours of sleep, so I had that steady nausea all day which is my body’s way of screaming “GO THE F*** TO SLEEP!”
I’m sure it was because I was exhausted and ill that yesterday was actually not as painful a day mentally, and I’m sure of this because today is a new day and I feel fine physically, yet I’m near tears and have a constant pressure on my chest.
So while I was fighting one pain (of exhaustion and nausea), I couldn’t feel that other pain (of missing you). And I liked it. I liked being able to think of you and not hurt.
I’m not there yet, but the fog doesn’t seem as thick as it did a week ago, or even a couple of days ago.
Another thing that happened yesterday is that Shadow finally curled up by me in a way that gives me hope that all the forced time she spent in Aidan’s room with Loki between your illness and my epoxying tumblers didn’t permanently strain the bond we’d been forming.
I know, I know. You don’t give two tail flicks about Shadow, but you love me, so hopefully you tolerate her being my nurse kitten and, hopefully, my next soul cat. She’ll never be you, and I don’t expect her to be, but a witch needs her familiar, right?
Anyhow, you’ll like this: The first night after you died, Shadow didn’t come near me for hours. I’d bring her in the living room, she’d sniff where you snuggled with me the previous night and then RUN. It wasn’t until about 3 or 4 in the morning that she finally laid on the couch, and even then, it was at my feet instead of in your spot by my head.
Even in death, you scare the fluff out of her. You’re so deliciously wicked, my little beast.
The second night, she slept at my feet again, but for most of the night. The next five nights, she slept by my tummy on a couch pillow, close to, but not quite exactly, where you used to curl up under the blanket. She still has SOME respect for your hallowed spaces. Well, until Monday night.
Monday night was the week anniversary of your death. It was a very very bad day. Shadow slept on my chest all night. Yes, in one of your special spots, but I think she knew I needed the extra warmth and comfort considering the day.
And last night? Maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, but she finally crept up and curled in your favorite spot near my head. The same spot you had slept in the night before you died that she had hissed at.
She’s working on filling your snuggling spots, Karma. But it’s not to replace you. I think it’s because you showed her the best places to snuggle with me without even meaning to. I mean, come on, Every. Single. Time. you laid in one of those spots, she’d creep up and try to get in there too until you caught her and hissed. So you’ve only yourself to blame. Right?
You taught her how to be a good therapy kitten and didn’t even intend to. So… thanks? :D
I love you, Karma. I can’t wait until the vet calls and I can bring you home. I have a really great last resting place for you that will arrive Friday.
I’ll share pictures soon.
