On a scale from 1 to WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK do I learn that I’m better alone?
What will it take for me to understand?
I’ve played the chameleon for every relationship but one. And the one relationship where I was honest and fully myself, I was faced with my own chameleon. A narcissist of the FIRST FUCKING ORDER. And… SOMEHOW… I still fell for this shit. What shit? Oh, yes, please let me fucking explain:
Dating Era:
- Told him before we had sex that my sex drive was low, and not in a “I think something may be medically wrong with me” way, but in a “I don't need it ever, but it’s fun in the beginning” way.
- Told him I don’t “NEED someone, but I want you” because I only want people in my life that improve it.
- Told him that I like my own time, my time to recharge, my time to continue my bonding with my son.
- Tried to make AS CLEAR AS FUCKING POSSIBLE my more democratic/justice-minded/fairness/equitability/I care about OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE mindset.
- MADE VERY SUPER FUCKING CLEAR HOW I FELT ABOUT KIDS.
And, somehow, I ended with FAR MORE full-time kids than I ever wanted. Ended up with a husband who, for all his “noooooo, I’m not” is a CERTIFIED FUCKING DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYONE ELSE AND LOOOOOOOOOOOVES CAPITALISM husband. Ended up with someone who, if he doesn’t get sex, gives me the silent treatment, or in a huge fit of insanity, said “If we’d just had sex after you bought the camper (with my own money/credit btw), I wouldn’t have been mad.” Ended up with someone that legit gets butthurt if I spent time with my child. Ended up with someone who LITERALLY doesn’t get my introversion and ADHD in no way whatsoever. Ended up with someone who seemed to forget that I can WALK THE FUCK AWAY IF I THINK MY CHILD OR MY PETS ARE IN ANY KIND OF TRAUMATIC SITUATION.
The section above has been in my drafts for over a year. My husband moved out in November 2021. I’ve since found out I’m autistic. So I’m going to do a bit of a thought experiment below. If we’d met and I already knew that I was autistic, how would I have reframed the above bullet points? If we met and split up in the same way after my theoretical autist-centric bullet points were laid out, how would the rest of the rant above have been written? I’m curious. So a re-write it is!
̶O̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶s̶c̶a̶l̶e̶ ̶f̶r̶o̶m̶ ̶1̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶W̶H̶A̶T̶ ̶T̶H̶E̶ ̶A̶C̶T̶U̶A̶L̶ ̶F̶U̶C̶K̶ ̶d̶o̶ ̶I̶ ̶l̶e̶a̶r̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶I̶’̶m̶ ̶b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶a̶l̶o̶n̶e̶?̶ On a scale of 1 to 10, what are the odds I’ll be more assertive and proactive in my getting my needs met?
What will it take for me to ̶u̶n̶d̶e̶r̶s̶t̶a̶n̶d̶ make a better plan and stick to it?
I’ve ̶p̶l̶a̶y̶e̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶c̶h̶a̶m̶e̶l̶e̶o̶n̶ donned my autistic mask automatically for every relationship but one, or so I thought. And the one relationship where I thought I was honest and fully myself, ̶I̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶f̶a̶c̶e̶d̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶m̶y̶ ̶o̶w̶n̶ ̶c̶h̶a̶m̶e̶l̶e̶o̶n̶ well, I was up front, but I was shit at making sure my boundaries were respected. I fell victim to a ̶A̶ narcissist of the FIRST FUCKING ORDER. And ̶…̶ ̶S̶O̶M̶E̶H̶O̶W̶…̶ ̶since I didn’t protect my boundaries, I still fell for this shit. What shit? Oh, yes, please let me fucking explain:
Dating Era:
- Told him before we had sex that my sex drive was low ̶,̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶“̶I̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶s̶o̶m̶e̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶m̶a̶y̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶m̶e̶d̶i̶c̶a̶l̶l̶y̶ ̶w̶r̶o̶n̶g̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶m̶e̶”̶ ̶w̶a̶y̶,̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶a̶ ̶“̶I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶n̶e̶e̶d̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶r̶,̶ ̶b̶u̶t̶ ̶i̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶f̶u̶n̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶b̶e̶g̶i̶n̶n̶i̶n̶g̶”̶ ̶w̶a̶y̶.because of the way my autism presents: I’m not much for touch in any capacity. It makes me uncomfortable and anxious. You may not believe me, though, because at the beginning of the relationship, the newness and hyperfocus on our relationship as my “new special interest” means that I am eager for touch. But once we settle in, I’d rather not, thanks. I will try to meet your needs as I can, but I cannot promise to. I don’t want you to have certain expectations that I’m mentally and physically unable to deliver on.
- Told him I don’t “NEED someone, but I want you” because I only want people in my life that improve it. As an autistic person, I’ve spent my entire life feeling as if the only person I could count on was myself, so I became very self-sufficient and very good at being solo. If you add value to my life, then I want you in my life.
- Told him that I ̶l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶need my own time, my time to recharge, my time to continue my bonding with my son. If I don’t get this time, I can enter into burnout, which is very dangerous for my mental health.
- Tried to make AS CLEAR AS FUCKING POSSIBLE my more democratic/justice-minded/fairness/equitability/I care about OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE mindset. Austic folks are very fairness-centric and justice-minded, and if you cannot be this way as well, I will eventually find you disgusting to me. This is not a conscious choice; your attractiveness to me is based on how I jive with you as a person, not your eyes, body, smile, etc.
- MADE VERY SUPER FUCKING CLEAR HOW I FELT ABOUT KIDS. As an autistic person, I get very overwhelmed easily. My home is my sanctuary and I am literally unable to mentally and physically handle people living in my home that are not me, my son, and one partner. Any more people than that and I risk entering into burnout, which, again, is very dangerous for my mental health. Also, even if I don’t enter burnout, extra people in my home take a physical toll on me, from drinking more alcohol or eating more comfort foods, napping more than normal, to migraines and headaches.
And, somehow, I ended with FAR MORE full-time kids than I ever wanted. Ended up with a husband who, for all his “noooooo, I’m not” is a CERTIFIED FUCKING DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYONE ELSE AND LOOOOOOOOOOOVES CAPITALISM husband. Ended up with someone who, if he doesn’t get sex, gives me the silent treatment, or in a huge fit of insanity, said “If we’d just had sex after you bought the camper (with my own money/credit btw), I wouldn’t have been mad.” Ended up with someone that legit gets butthurt if I spent time with my child and basically stalks me on Life360 which is terribly annoying. Ended up with someone who LITERALLY doesn’t get my ̶i̶n̶t̶r̶o̶v̶e̶r̶s̶i̶o̶n̶ ̶autism and ADHD in no way whatsoever. Ended up with someone who seemed to forget that I can WALK THE FUCK AWAY IF I THINK MY CHILD OR MY PETS ARE IN ANY KIND OF TRAUMATIC SITUATION. because I have autism and I have the ability to pull away from a situation almost like breaking the 4th wall so I can review it objectively and then just not go back into my “relationship mask” because “Well, this is bad. Time to go.”*
*BIG note on that: It takes a LONG time for me to get there. I’ve been married three times and in every relationship, from the point that I thought “this isn’t working” until the point where I ended it, it took me 2–3 YEARS to get there. So that’s 2–3 years before I break that “4th wall” and actually, objectively analyze the relationship. And all three ex-spouses asked when I got there, “How can you be so cold?” Because it was bad, it was time to go, and I finally was able to see it instead of justifying bad behavior or “normal people stay no matter what” so I kept on wearing the “normal people mask” well past the time I should have discarded it.
Hm. That’s better, isn’t it, Karma? This article seems very chaotic to me, and I apologize to any readers that feel the same. I just felt this draft deserved some attention due to the recent ASD realization and subsequent research.
